The Absurdly Extensive List of Oreo Flavors: A Testament to Our Declining Taste Buds

Ah, the Oreo cookie. Once a simple, delightful treat that graced our grandparents’ cookie jars. But, as with many things in our ever-evolving society, we’ve managed to take it to the extreme. And by extreme, I mean the sheer absurdity of flavors that now exist. It’s as if we’re inching closer to the reality depicted in the movie “Idiocracy” with every new flavor release. But, for the sake of journalism (or whatever this is), I’ve taken it upon myself to try each one. So, brace yourselves for a rollercoaster of questionable culinary choices.

17. Blackout Cake

Starting off with a flavor that sounds more like a catastrophic event than a cookie. It’s as if someone decided to compress an entire cake into a tiny cookie. Overwhelming? Absolutely.

16. Toffee Crunch

Starting off with a flavor that sounds more like a catastrophic event than a cookie. It’s as if someone decided to compress an entire cake into a tiny cookie. Overwhelming? Absolutely.

15. Brookie-O

A brownie-cookie hybrid. Because why enjoy one dessert when you can mash two together and call it innovation?

14. Cotton Candy

Ah, the essence of every childhood carnival, now in a cookie. It’s like reliving those sticky-fingered moments, but without the joy.

13. Birthday Cake

It’s like someone took the essence of every store-bought birthday cake and distilled it into this flavor. A celebration? Perhaps, but one that’s a tad too loud.

12. Caramel Coconut

For when you want to pretend you’re on a tropical island but are actually just sobbing into a cookie on your couch.

11. Java Chip

The morning ritual of coffee, now in a cookie. It’s like sipping your favorite brew, but with a side of existential cookie crisis, to remind you what a fat shit you are. 

10. S'mores

The campfire classic, without the campfire. Or the classic. Or the creepy boy scout leader.

9. Lemon

A burst of citrus in a sea of chocolate. It’s like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, albeit a ray that’s slightly artificial and may cause diabetes 

8. Golden

The Oreo’s less exciting cousin. It’s like attending a party where everyone is named Chris or Andrew.

7. Mint

For those moments when you can’t decide between freshening your breath or indulging in a cookie. Now you can do both, mediocrely.

6. Chocolate Hazelnut

An attempt to capture European elegance. It’s like a trip to Paris, but instead of the Eiffel Tower, you get a postcard. My parents went to Paris and all I got was this shitty waistline. 

5. Chocolate

A deeper dive into cocoa territory. It’s like the original Oreo went on a soul-searching journey and came back wearing a beret and listens to acid jazz.

4. Peanut Butter

The age-old pairing, now in a cookie. It’s like a duet where one singer is slightly off-key. The Cheryl Crow and Kid Rock of cookies if you will. 

3. Dark Chocolate

A nod to the connoisseurs. It’s like attending a black-tie event in a tuxedo t-shirt. 

2. Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie

A dessert within a dessert. It’s like watching a movie’s shitty sequel without having seen the original.

1. Original Oreo

And finally, the winner. The classic. The one that started it all. It’s a reminder that sometimes, the original is best. And that perhaps, just perhaps, we’ve gone a tad overboard with our flavor experiments.

So, dear readers, as you indulge in these myriad flavors, remember: variety might be the spice of life, but sometimes, simplicity is the true essence of delight. Until next time, keep your taste buds questioning and your dentist busy.

In a world of endless lists, remember to read between the lines.

Reluctantly yours, 

Hugo Lancaster